Skid Marks

• I noticed that, the poorer the neighborhood, the less consideration drivers afford one another. I hate to say it, but it's a great indicator that is reinforced by one's social class. It is like a sign that says "Please Bus Your Own Tables" in a cafeteria. You know you're in a cafeteria when you see it. It points almost directly to one's upbringing and education. But, I also notice that when driving through ritzy neighborhoods, some dingbat is using her cell phone. So I think it's the middle-class drivers who must be the most considerate.
• Three mornings in a a row this week on TV there was a commercial about foreclosures and how you can get in on some of the action. What I don't get is when the announcer's voice said, "If you rent a house or an apartment, you can call now. All others can call tomorrow." This, three days in a row. How stupid is that? No company name, just an 800 phone number.
• Some may worry about how their diet may affect their stool, but I worry about losing my libido when I grow old. Will I miss it, or will it be like turning vegetarian and not really wanting meat anymore?
• What is it with guys who are always wearing baseball caps? I hardly ever see just one dude in the midst of his fellowship wearing one; they all will be. It can't be a fashion statement, can it? The other night me and my GF were out eating at a steak joint again when I spied five of them together, all standing save one, at the bar drinking Budweiser. All of them yakking and looking around. The tightness of this group was so extreme that it was odd to witness the seated fellow's attention distracted by a buxom beauty walking by behind them. It was funny. Anyway, do they go to a clubhouse afterwards and have a baseball cap ceremony of some kind? It's like a religion.
• Do women actually fart, and, if so, when do they do it? Certainly my GF does, but I don't have any evidence that other women do this. I'd like to gain some insights into this without, um, having to go straight to the source.

Finding Money

I found a $20 bill on the ground the other day when I was walking. Nice! The last time I found money (more than a dime or penny) must've been years ago. But I can't help thinking what my response would've been had a panhandler approached me soon after. "Hey, got any spare change, buddy?" Would I've felt like a prick for not donating at least a portion of my good fortune? What if I didn't have any other cash/change one me? Would you've just handed over the twenty? DAMN! It's driving me crazy. I hope it never happens. If I find some money, I just want to be left alone.

Stupid Idea

I think this might be a useless and idiotic thing to do, I admit, but I want to write a program that will use a telephone modem to dial all the phone numbers within a range, and, instead of logging which numbers belong to other modems (there won't be many of those), simply have a computer voice say, "Sorry, wrong number..." and then hang up. Could you imagine that? Kind of makes me laugh, you know? A computer, after all, admitting a mistake and all that? OK, I knew it was a dumb idea.

Flagging

If you can flag a blog in Blogger as objectionable, and if you can flag an advertisement posted in craigslist the same way, and if you can flag an incoming email as spam, I think it would also be a good idea if you could flag the driver in front of you as a bad driver. Once a driver gets so many flags, their license is suspended and they have to make restitution to the drivers he or she has offended, say, $1 per flag. And it shouldn't stop there. Once a driver exceeds a certain number of bad flags while driving on a particular road or highway, that driver can be blocked from driving it. Hmm...I would flag so many around here that I'd be alone on the way to work each day.

Holograms

Whatever happened to hologram technology, and why isn't its use more widespread? Imagine a huge one, hovering over an accident scene or some other traffic blockage. It could be big, bold, colorful, and chock full of information. Wouldn't that be useful to countless drivers from all around, perhaps even from miles away? Drivers could easily plan their routes around blocked areas. Emergency response personnel would know quickly where to go to save victims. It could even be an entertainment source for drivers who are bored. They could play reruns of "I Love Lucy."

Oh, no, wait, that wouldn't be such a good idea... Attorneys, like those ones who advertise on TV every 90 seconds as if they were Cal Worthington, would also capitalize on them and know right where to go to find victims even before the ambulance arrives. Never mind.

16 oz Espresso!

Interestingly, the word barista is not included in my copy of the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Ed., 1999, nor is it believed to be spelled correctly by Firefox 2.0.0.8. Maybe it's not very Americanized yet, but I wish it was, because I think it's a cool sounding word.

Speaking of baristas, when one asks if you'd like room for cream, are they asking if you want cream, and, if so, "...you can get it yourself, I'll just leave room for it," or are they asking, "Would you like me to mix the cream in?" I don't use cream, so I don't know what would happen if I said yes (perhaps I'll try that sometime), but occasionally I like the room because it would be slightly stronger with less water, and I fear that if I say yes, they would add it even though I don't want it. I never see a cream container on the counter, however, so I don't understand why they wouldn't just ask, "Would you like cream with that?" It would be nice, maybe, if they could ask, "Would you like room for a strengthener, and, if so, I'll add it for you free of charge?"

While I'm on the subject, one time I ordered a double-espresso in a 16-oz cup thinking I'd get a large quantity of goo to give me a buzz at the state fair. I felt so stupid walking around the fairgrounds with a mostly empty cup. To appear less like the idiot that I am, to my GF I said, "Mmm, gee honey, this is just the way I like it!"

Job Interview Technique

A former boss long ago told me that one way you can judge a person is by how much scotch tape they use, whether it be to mend a tear in a page, or to affix a piece of paper somewhere. This got me to thinking.

At my job I am occasionally afforded the opportunity to conduct -- or at least assist with -- employment interviews. This sometimes leads me to think about new ways of discovering how a person really is, despite what they might say. Let's face it, you cannot always trust what a person says about him or herself, and, in my experience, job interviews are the best evidence of this.

I think the amount of tape one uses is a great indication of how somebody really is. Are they sloppy, carefree, and disrespectful of available resources? Or are they precise, cautious, orderly, and economical?

But are there other atypical ways to judge a person, like, say, for a job interview? I'm sure you've heard about interesting interviewing techniques, questions, scenarios and such. "Give me an example of a difficult situation with a coworker? How did you handle it?" Yeah yeah, sure.

Here's an idea: Secretly witness them drive back and forth across town a few times.

From the vantage point of a hidden audio/video recorder inside the car, you could find out the true nature of your driver's vocabulary, cuss words, facial expressions, hand gestures, and what situations call for these. From the vantage point of another car you could covertly grasp the bigger picture, however.

Does your prospect follow too closely while appearing manically impatient? And do they shake their fist or flip the bird or otherwise heap a truckload of scorn onto the driver ahead because that driver is going too slow? If so, this is a good sign. It is an indicator that your prospect can get the job done much faster than most anyone else. If it were not for that idiot in front, your prospect would be at his or her destination by now. Leaving a length of a semi-tractor/trailer + four cars is a sign of a slow worker.

Does your prospect continually change lanes, often at the last minute before pulling up to a red light? If so, this is good. It means that they are continually on the lookout for better ways to do things. They're not always caught in a rut. People who never veer between lanes will never have bright new insights.

Do they simply drive too fast, especially when road conditions are bad? If so, this is good. It means your potential employee is willing to take risks, willing to do what it takes to get the job done. This is the mark of a great employee, and I would strongly consider this person over the timid little fellow who pokes along at 4 miles per hour under the limit. That little dumb ass will never get anything done, and you should never consider hiring him.

How about turn signals? Does your prospect use them both for changing lanes and making turns? Whoops, this could be bad. If they do, it means they could be too predictable and therefore extremely boring for your office or job site atmosphere. This can lead to nonproductivity in other employees.

How about cellular telephone use while in heavy traffic? This is great if it occurs with your prospect. It means that they are willing to manage more than one task at a time. It also means that they have great dexterity and vision.

Can they park their rig? Hmm, if so, not good. It's an indicator that they might waste too much time while on the clock.

Does your person consume alcohol while driving? If they do, of course, it means that your prospect knows how to deal with stress and nervousness. These can lead to heart problems and high blood pressure and eventually erectile disfunction, all of which mean lost productivity due to the sick leave they'll have to take.

Well, I see that, from a pure productivity stand point, this test would indicate me to be the best prospect for just about any job except maybe for a funeral home director where grace and tact are major requirements. Anyway, the next time we have a job interview to conduct, I will be sure to suggest this new technique. I should get a raise for this.

Car Horns and SWAT Teams

What is it with car horns sounding so gay these days? Almost like The Roadrunner or the horn-bell on my tricycle forty years ago. Isn't the purpose for a car horn a safety thing, like, "Get the hell out of my way in three seconds or you're hamburger meat, I mean it!" I know that they're not for summonsing somebody out of a building, although that law doesn't apply to me when my GF is in the fabric store.

What if a SWAT team dude had as gay a voice as a modern day car horn, like that one lady's, the one I cut off yesterday afternoon? He'd sound like this: "Oh, you big, naughty boy, you better come out of there, or else! Don't make me now. I'm gonna... heh heh... come get you! I'm not going to... hmm hmm... tell you again. Don't make me now.

Speaking of SWAT teams. Why is it that, nine times out of ten, these guys, when depicted on reality TV programs crashing into a place, find nobody inside except a dog or a parakeet? After all that trouble, too. After all, each one of these dudes is wearing 150 pounds of bullet-proof garb, and add to that their weapons, ammo, helmet, face shield, mace, and radios, and you literally have a small army. Twelve guys, all in one -- or maybe two or three -- black-colored, ominous-looking panel trucks, tearing up the street, screeching around the corner and landing on this poor schmuck's lawn, only to find out later from a neighbor that the suspect is at his sister's place. Some better planning would prevent these embarrassing situations. I'm just sayin...

My Urologist

I visit a urologist once per year so he can give me a prostate exam. The other day I had to reschedule a looming appointment. The nice lady said he is out of town fishing but his assistant will be happy to help me. No, I said, I'd like my regular doctor, please. Will he be in the following week? Yes, how about 8:30 on Wednesday? That will be fine, thanks.

Good grief, what just happened? Will my experience be less unpleasant because I'm seeing "the regular dude"? Wouldn't some other doctor -- being more strange (and therefore more impersonal) -- make my 22-second ordeal less intolerable? Is it alright that my doctor's prefamiliarity makes him the more desirable choice? Do I have some weird attachment to my urologist? OK, stop thinking about it...

Our problem is that we are too polite

"Hello," I figured out. It is like this: "Oh boy, somebody is calling me. Perhaps I can make them my new friend by inviting them into a nice, warm conversation. The most friendly and inviting thing to say is "Hello?"

A commenter below mentioned his Grandfather who always used "Yep." This is prefect. It merely acknowledges a connection and you are now ready to hear what the caller has to say or ask. Perfect.

"Do You Mind?!?" is another great, stupid one. Presumably, no, the inconsiderate person doesn't mind when they should. Consider the ruffling of a potato chip bag right behind you, during the first half of a Broadway performance, the ticket of which cost you $89, and that was half priced. You swing your head around, "Do you mind?!?" (This actually happened, and it was my GF who had the balls, not me.)

No, it should not be a question, it should be a direct command. "Stop making so much noise with your food sack, you inconsiderate pig, I'm trying to ______!"

When you think about it, our society is just too damned polite. It's not that way when you're driving, though. As drivers, we are more isolated from face-to-face contact, therefore we are safe from lash backs; we are more invincible, whether we are correct or not; whether we ourselves are idiots or not; whether we are willing to fight for what we believe in. Or not.

I think it should be that way in person, as well. I think we should all have boxes that we can step into, and walk around within. Each box can have rear view mirrors, side windows, front windshield, even a rear window defogger. The best thing, of course, is the horn, and the ability to roll down your window so you can shake your fist or flip somebody the bird. When it looks as though there will be disagreement or any sort of ill will, you can always roll your window back up, scrunch back down in your seat, and enjoy the show, regardless of that idiot behind you.

The Miller Lite Hustle

Last night me and my girlfriend went out to have a steak. What a nice surprise for the waitperson (a cute young thing) to pop over to our table, not one minute after we sat down, with two ice cold Miller Lites in hand, "It's Miller Lite, right?" she offers.

"Wow, how did you know? You just must sell a lot of Miller Lite, right?" I asked.

"No, I remember you both. The last time you were here you had filets, medium, right?"

Sure thing, but the last time we were there was well over a month ago, and this place is a busy one; one that we don't really frequent (unless you consider several times per year as frequenting) or consider as our home restaurant.

Our dinner was excellent, steaks cooked precisely to order. Salads were crisp and yummy. Drinks were cold. Her service was great, too. She didn't interrupt and she didn't ignore, either. What more could you ask for? Oh, and she was cute. So cute, in fact, that I asked my girlfriend if she can be on the "approved crush" list. Yes, of course, said she.

"But," she continued. "Be warned, M, that she is just flirting with you. She has to in order to receive good tips. She probably remembered that you tipped her well the last time."

"You mean her being friendly to me isn't really genuine? This is a hustle?"

"Yah, sort'a. She's probably nice and all, but she's working, you know, and she'll be just as nice to you as the next schlep who walks in."

Oh, well, in that case...I paid the bill, left her only about a 10% tip, and we left. Fuckin' wench.

No Excuses

Why do you say "Excuse me" when you're trying to walk through a crowd of idiots who chose to stand in the middle of everything, blocking your passage, precisely at the highest-traffic time? That seems dumb to me. We should get into the habit of exclaiming, "Please move, thank you!" It's not your fault that they're in the way. Why take the blame by asking to be excused? The phrase "Beep beep fuckin' BEEP!" ought to be firmly placed within our lexicon soon. I'm going to start an ad campaign for it.

I'm working on the "Hello?" that one says/asks upon answering a telephone. Seems to not make perfect sense to me any longer, but I don't know why yet.

More skid marks

The reason for so many skid marks lately is because I can't think of anything with any real depth to talk about. So. Here you go.

• You know how the light automatically comes on in some public restrooms as you enter? They ought to have music do that, too. They have elevator music, music in stores, and music for when you're on hold. How about automatic bathroom music? Handel's Messiah could chime in with "Hallelujah!" just at the right time.
• Speaking of public restrooms, don't you think the hand washing sink needs to be outside, like, after you leave the john, after you pull open the probably-contaminated door to leave?
• Advice: If you discover a dime soaking at the bottom of a urinal and you just happen to be too cheap to pick it out of there, just throw in another dime and a nickel to make it worth at least a quarter to you. (Some drunken old geezer told me that years ago, so now I'm telling you...)
• I'd love to see sequels to movies like Scarface with Al Pacino, but the fact of the matter is, all the characters are dead, which is probably good because sequels aren't ever any good anyway.
• Signing the backs of credit cards is one of the most difficult tasks I've ever attempted to do. It's my self consciousness, I'm sure. Knowing that it is scrutinized so frequently, much more than my driver's license. Or maybe because the space in which to do it is so confined, I'm overly concerned with staying within the lines. Whatever. I just can't do it. It turns into a scrappy squiggle mess of my typical signature.
  

Skid marks

Just a few...

• What is with railroad engineers and cruise line passengers who wave at you as if they're in a parade? People who drive by in their cars and trucks don't do that. Can you imagine how friendly the roads would be if everyone always waved at everyone else? It would be sickening.
• Slow-driver frustration is a lot like blackjack. The closer to the speed limit your offending road blockage is, but without going over, the more frustrating it is. (If they're going really slow, you can just pass them.) Also, the older to age 99, without going over, the more frustrating it is. And the longer you have to follow them to your place, without actually pulling into your driveway, the more frustrating it is. The more you have to go to the bathroom, without going in your pants, the more frustrating it is.
• Don't forget: Voice mail only works when you're away from your desk. If you're at your desk and your phone rings, no matter who is in your office talking with you face-to-face, the person calling naturally gets the priority, and the voice mail function probably won't work anyway.

Kitchen Germs

I've read that a typical office desk area is home to many more germs and bacteria than a toilet seat. Even most kitchen counter tops have more than the bathroom! Oh fuckin' ick, thank you very much. So I mentioned to my girlfriend that she should start doing all the food preparation in there, and use our traditional kitchen for only stovetop and microwave oven cooking. The toilet seat should be fairly useful for slicing tomatoes, rolling dough, cutting meat. The toilet itself can be our very own "flush garbage disposal." The blender, electric mixer, and toaster can all be in there, so every time we use the john, we can make a margarita.

The Sidewalk Incident

When I was five years old and walking home from school one day I was using a twig to write something (maybe my name) in a section of fresh, unhardened sidewalk when, to my complete horror, was caught by a police officer. I wanted to run, but I froze. Caught! Man, was I in trouble now. I don't remember exactly what happened or what the officer said, but I never had to make bail. I don't even think I was arrested... it was forty years ago. But, while I am and always have been a law-abiding citizen whose only crime is speeding (and tailgating), to this day, seeing a cop still stirs my fright/flight/fight reaction. It's not major, you see, in fact, so subtle that I don't normally think about it, but it is still there. All that needs to happen is for me to see a police officer somewhere, and something goes tink in my memory banks. Was I supposed to be a criminal in my adult life? Was impressing my initials or "C A T" in a freshly smoothed sidewalk my introduction to a life of crime? There is still time...

Somebody has to say it

Animals, particularly those that might be found around the home, like dogs and cats, never seem to have to wipe their butts. I know that's a pretty disgusting thought, but I wonder why this is. (I also draw your attention to the oxymoron: "pretty disgusting," but I digress.) But we humans would be banished if we ignored this utterly essential aspect of personal hygiene. You know what I think? It's because we are too fat. If we were as thin and muscular as God or evolution had intended, we'd never have to worry about it. Think about it.

So I won't forget...

You know those wind-up TV sets and radio/flashlight combos? They don't need batteries because you wind them up to charge them and they'll work for a few minutes or half hour or whatever. Cool. But do they have little generators for bicycles to recharge your ipod, cell phone, or lap top as the bike is pedaled? If not, they ought to; I'd buy one. But what about those who prefer to walk/jog/run? Couldn't they rig up something to utilize the movements of your legs to charger whatever you're carrying? Good idea, that.

By the way, when you're at work surfing the internet, make sure to wipe that smile off your face, for it is the first clue to your boss when he walks by that you're wasting his time. A frown is even better because it looks like you're concentrating on work instead. This works for personal phone calls, too. Make sure to frown even when your girl friend is telling you the evening dinner plans.

I always thought that driving is like a video game, but when you lose, you really lose.

Nobody around here really likes to talk about it, but winter will be arriving soon. Actually, after such a beautiful summer and fall, I welcome it. Especially those first few days when the roads are icy. Let me explain. There are three types of drivers in this world: 1) timid, slow, dangerous; 2) dumb, over-confident, and crazy; and 3) dumb, over-confident, and crazy, and they know it! I, of course, fall within the last group. During the winter months, it's the members of the first two groups who end up in the ditch. This has the amazing effect of clearing the lanes so that the very few members of the last group can drive right down the middle and get to work on time. It is like that video game with a bug in it, one that works for you, the one that racks up 99,999 points in, like, 4 minutes.

I don't drive on your lawn. Yet.

On sunny days small kids play in and around a street near my place. Fine. But I don't slow down much. Oh, don't worry; I'm not going to plow over some dumb-ass's kids (the parents are dumb-asses, not the kids), I just want to do my part to help train the kids in identifying good play areas versus bad play areas. So, hopefully, I'm scaring the shit out of some idiot parents into restricting their kids' play areas to their fuckin' yards instead of the street. Unless you twaddle by at 4 MPH, you'll hear a parent yell out, "Slow down!" Fuck that. I'd rather the street appear to be the main run-way of an aircraft carrier than a playground. Idiots.

Skid marks

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Eeww that smell

I want to talk about my cigars.

I more or less try to smoke them at times when my girlfriend is unlikely to notice, and in such a way as to conceal my habit against her eventual discovery. Impossible. They make me stink to high heaven, and nothing short of a gasoline-filled hot tub is capable of washing that foul stench away. What is it about cigar smoke that makes it so difficult to get rid of?

After smoking one, I tend to wash my hands many, many times. Yet, like the taste of puke after vomiting, the odor remains. It is the Energizer Bunny of stench, and apparently current soaps are as weak as the glue on a sticky note. I even use Dial Anti-bacterial soap, but to no avail. I go into the men's room and wash my face, forehead, neck, ears, and the top of my head. I literally take a sponge bath, and after drying, I take the wad of wet towels and go over my shirt collar, sleeves, breast. Nope. An hour later, I still stink. No matter the effort, somebody will still walk in with, "You had a cigar, M, didn't you?" What do I have to do, go to a car wash? There ought to be a Manwash-N-Decontamination Walk-Thru somewhere.

Can't they make a good-quality, cheap cigar that smells good after you smoke it?

skid marks

I like the way Lighting Bug's Butt does these "bullet-ins" of snappy bursts of wisdom and witty observations. I think I will steal his idea and name my version "Skid Marks." After all, I am an idiot and I do drive, so that must mean I cause others to leave Skid Marks. OK, here is my first attempt:

• A camera and a phone seem to be as related to one another as a toothpick and a drill. Fine. But why don't they include other handy tools built into cell phones, like a bottle opener, a magnifying glass, or even a cigar torch-lighter? These are things I'd like to see.
• They always ask me if I need to have my parking validated. This is a nice service that can save on the high price of parking these days. But what reward do I get for walking and saving the air quality? Why don't they ask me if I need to have my walking validated and buy me a martini?
• Cars ahead of me in my lane need to slow to look for parking spaces, I can dig that. But I still wish I could ram into them to shove them out of the way. Just because they have to slow down doesn't mean they're not blocking me for some stupid reason. Idiots.
• Speaking of martinis. I always order mine with "just one olive, please." For God's sake, I'm ordering a cocktail, not a salad bar.
• I wonder if I could make a million bucks from blogging?