Somebody has to say it

Animals, particularly those that might be found around the home, like dogs and cats, never seem to have to wipe their butts. I know that's a pretty disgusting thought, but I wonder why this is. (I also draw your attention to the oxymoron: "pretty disgusting," but I digress.) But we humans would be banished if we ignored this utterly essential aspect of personal hygiene. You know what I think? It's because we are too fat. If we were as thin and muscular as God or evolution had intended, we'd never have to worry about it. Think about it.

So I won't forget...

You know those wind-up TV sets and radio/flashlight combos? They don't need batteries because you wind them up to charge them and they'll work for a few minutes or half hour or whatever. Cool. But do they have little generators for bicycles to recharge your ipod, cell phone, or lap top as the bike is pedaled? If not, they ought to; I'd buy one. But what about those who prefer to walk/jog/run? Couldn't they rig up something to utilize the movements of your legs to charger whatever you're carrying? Good idea, that.

By the way, when you're at work surfing the internet, make sure to wipe that smile off your face, for it is the first clue to your boss when he walks by that you're wasting his time. A frown is even better because it looks like you're concentrating on work instead. This works for personal phone calls, too. Make sure to frown even when your girl friend is telling you the evening dinner plans.

I always thought that driving is like a video game, but when you lose, you really lose.

Nobody around here really likes to talk about it, but winter will be arriving soon. Actually, after such a beautiful summer and fall, I welcome it. Especially those first few days when the roads are icy. Let me explain. There are three types of drivers in this world: 1) timid, slow, dangerous; 2) dumb, over-confident, and crazy; and 3) dumb, over-confident, and crazy, and they know it! I, of course, fall within the last group. During the winter months, it's the members of the first two groups who end up in the ditch. This has the amazing effect of clearing the lanes so that the very few members of the last group can drive right down the middle and get to work on time. It is like that video game with a bug in it, one that works for you, the one that racks up 99,999 points in, like, 4 minutes.

I don't drive on your lawn. Yet.

On sunny days small kids play in and around a street near my place. Fine. But I don't slow down much. Oh, don't worry; I'm not going to plow over some dumb-ass's kids (the parents are dumb-asses, not the kids), I just want to do my part to help train the kids in identifying good play areas versus bad play areas. So, hopefully, I'm scaring the shit out of some idiot parents into restricting their kids' play areas to their fuckin' yards instead of the street. Unless you twaddle by at 4 MPH, you'll hear a parent yell out, "Slow down!" Fuck that. I'd rather the street appear to be the main run-way of an aircraft carrier than a playground. Idiots.

Skid marks

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Eeww that smell

I want to talk about my cigars.

I more or less try to smoke them at times when my girlfriend is unlikely to notice, and in such a way as to conceal my habit against her eventual discovery. Impossible. They make me stink to high heaven, and nothing short of a gasoline-filled hot tub is capable of washing that foul stench away. What is it about cigar smoke that makes it so difficult to get rid of?

After smoking one, I tend to wash my hands many, many times. Yet, like the taste of puke after vomiting, the odor remains. It is the Energizer Bunny of stench, and apparently current soaps are as weak as the glue on a sticky note. I even use Dial Anti-bacterial soap, but to no avail. I go into the men's room and wash my face, forehead, neck, ears, and the top of my head. I literally take a sponge bath, and after drying, I take the wad of wet towels and go over my shirt collar, sleeves, breast. Nope. An hour later, I still stink. No matter the effort, somebody will still walk in with, "You had a cigar, M, didn't you?" What do I have to do, go to a car wash? There ought to be a Manwash-N-Decontamination Walk-Thru somewhere.

Can't they make a good-quality, cheap cigar that smells good after you smoke it?

skid marks

I like the way Lighting Bug's Butt does these "bullet-ins" of snappy bursts of wisdom and witty observations. I think I will steal his idea and name my version "Skid Marks." After all, I am an idiot and I do drive, so that must mean I cause others to leave Skid Marks. OK, here is my first attempt:

• A camera and a phone seem to be as related to one another as a toothpick and a drill. Fine. But why don't they include other handy tools built into cell phones, like a bottle opener, a magnifying glass, or even a cigar torch-lighter? These are things I'd like to see.
• They always ask me if I need to have my parking validated. This is a nice service that can save on the high price of parking these days. But what reward do I get for walking and saving the air quality? Why don't they ask me if I need to have my walking validated and buy me a martini?
• Cars ahead of me in my lane need to slow to look for parking spaces, I can dig that. But I still wish I could ram into them to shove them out of the way. Just because they have to slow down doesn't mean they're not blocking me for some stupid reason. Idiots.
• Speaking of martinis. I always order mine with "just one olive, please." For God's sake, I'm ordering a cocktail, not a salad bar.
• I wonder if I could make a million bucks from blogging?
  

cigars in the rain

I like to walk, even in the rain. But I also like a good cheap cigar, in the rain, too, no less. But there is no smoking in or near buildings where I'm at, and those doo-gooders must have removed every possible shelter in this city just to save me from myself.

And how come whenever I duck under a tree I seem to get just as wet as without the tree? It's because the regular droplets are merely delayed, not filtered out as I often hope; no, they're saved up and stored within the tree's leaves until the water builds up into what I will now term as drooples. At regular intervals, mostly during a puff, they drop their load right down on me, sure as a pigeon shits its load all over the hood of my 1970 Datsun.

Here's a little piece of advice: Don't do this in a city park where young children normally play, even if it's raining and no kids are there. People with their umbrellas look at you real funny-like. Idiots.

pride and humility

A boastful person who makes a single self-deprecating comment will appear far more humble than a humble person. If the humble person makes a prideful statement, he or she will appear to be more of a jerk than the boastful person, even though the boastful person is that way all the time.

That Damn Bus

...that just delayed me for more than 25 seconds? Revenge comes best when it's raining. Those handicapped people who take forever to get off the bus? I like to speed by and splash them if I can with any puddle that happens to be there.

RV hell

"RV"s are from hell.

The slower they go, the more they're likely to travel in packs, too. Clumps. Why is that? Are these just filthy-rich families that drive multiple "RV"s? Or do they just have some sort of a cling to one another? They are the trans fats of America's road system. I've personally witnessed them delay for over an hour a number of vehicles that would equal the entire 5 o'clock traffic of a small city.

54 in a 65 for a frikken hour. Traveling together so they're difficult to pass when short opportunities arise.

Another straight section of road way. Oops, time to slow down just a little bit more.

Those fuckers.

And when a passing zone nears, your hopes are raised, yet that's when you see the oncoming traffic. And that's when the RV slows even further. They make you suffer.

I was even following a full-sized tour bus on the highway the other day. I could hardly keep up with it. The only time it slowed down was when it got behind an RV.

Same thing with tractor/trailer trucks.

I'll get you back, you bastards. I'm going to buy an RV and then I'm going to drive it as slow as possible for as long as possible. I'm going to pass you idiots then slow down right in front of you so you'll be stuck behind me. I'll force you to clump together with me. I'm going to make your life miserable. You wait and see. I'll teach you.