Yet Even More Skid Marks

I haven't been posting a lot, yet I don't really know why. I severely sprained my ankle around valentine's day, and that may have been punishment for my stupid remark to my GF at a restaurant on valentine's day. I felt the need to point out the very table that a previous GF and I sat at for valentine's dinner fifteen years ago. Apparently I wasn't in a romantic mood. I was in so much trouble that, after I did the job on my ankle the next day and was on crutches for a couple of days, I had to fetch my own coffee (there is a stain on the carpet as a result of this), do my own laundry, and go out to eat on my own.

Oh well. Anyway...

They, of course, have day care centers in office buildings. This is a great convenience for workers with children. Cafeterias, changing tables in restrooms, fitness clubs, telephone booths, mini-stores that sell gum and nail clippers and aspirin, coffee stands. But I know what else my office building needs in order to cater to today's busy professional: a safe, discreet, comfortable place for one to masturbate. Let's call these: Self-Service rooms. Soft ambient light. Porn. Good music. KY Jelly and Kleenex. I think this would greatly improve productivity.

Why do armed security guards who have to poop during the day select public restrooms to do it in? Seems like they'd be unacceptably vulnerable to attacks by weirdos at certain points, especially, say, during the courtesy-flush when one couldn't hear an attacker adequately over the jet-blast of the water, or during that first squeeze when the mind is at its most one-trackedness. I say that there ought to be one-way windows installed in the stall doors. Not only could one notice an impending attack, it might be fun to sit there and just watch people. I don't know.

Whenever we go to Costco, and it seems like that's all the time, I always notice forty thousand people in line at the check-out stands on account of the long waits. After that, I notice the big long line of people trying to escape with their property, out the door upon being approved by the magic-marker person. But what I don't know is why there aren't forty thousand people leaving the parking lot leaving forty thousand parking spaces for those seemingly very few people who drive into the parking lot to find a space. This is odd.

Skid Marks for the Season

• Flew the other day on a 45 minute flight at about 7:00 A.M. Know what they gave me to eat? Party Mix. On the return flight, just yesterday, at about 3:00 P.M., know what they had to drink? Water or O.J. No coffee. I can see that that airline is in tune with humanity. Those fuckers.
• Those in-flight magazines? They must be the most boring magazines in the world.
• Airline pilots crack me up with their hyper-casual sounding voices on the loud speaker. They speak about all this stuff, flight information, take off and landing times, nearing land marks, the weather, as if they were an auto mechanic discussing snow tire options. As doctors have bad handwriting, airline pilots have these voices. It's like a law.
• Speaking of airline pilots talking about the weather, what's up with that? It seems like they talk about it a lot, er, I mean, they kind of go on and on and on... about it. Just fly the damn plane and concentrate on your landing, don't talk weather to me. I realize you have to know a lot about the weather, but all I care about is landing safely. I can look out the window to see the weather.
• My GF likes to cook, thank Goodness. It's funny, but when she does up a Prime Rib, she doesn't speak in terms of minutes or hours, she speaks in terms of degrees. "Hey, Babe, when's dinner, I'm starved?" I'll ask. "Oh, not for another 44 degrees or so, but you can do me a favor and go to the garage and grab another bottle of red, please." "OK," I'll answer, "how about in another 20 degrees or so?"
• Watching about capital punishment on 60-Minutes with my buddy, he asked me the other day, "Do you have to be a doctor to do that?" "Yeah, I guess so, if it's lethal injection. I also suppose you'd have to be an electrician to pull the switch on the electric chair, too," I said. This got me to thinking. If the executioner were a plumber, the method of death ought to be drowning. I wonder. What would your profession have to be if the method of death were, say, mechanical separation? Helicopter pilot!
• You know, eating a nice, thick, juicy, medium-rare slab of Prime Rib is a wonderfully joyous experience. It really involves many of my senses, certainly taste and smell, but others, too, like touch and sound. This got me to thinking: I suppose that, in a few ways, it is not unlike eating pussy!
• I still love my cigars! That evening (previous post) when me and my buddy had pizza and cigars? Well, those cigars were purrrty damn enjoyable. They tasted good and they smelled even better. The smoke was thick and enveloping. Again, that's a kind of enjoyment that stimulates all the senses. I would take a big puff, let the smoke roll around inside my mouth, and let it leak out in a thick stream. As the last of it exited my mouth, I would put the body of the cigar next to my nostrils and take a whiff... That, mixed with the thick cloud of smoke, smelled so good. This got me to thinking, too: It's a lot like eating pussy!
• Incidently, to answer the question, "How was the pizza that night," the answer is it was some of the best I've ever had... It was remarkable.
  

Skid Marks

• I noticed that, the poorer the neighborhood, the less consideration drivers afford one another. I hate to say it, but it's a great indicator that is reinforced by one's social class. It is like a sign that says "Please Bus Your Own Tables" in a cafeteria. You know you're in a cafeteria when you see it. It points almost directly to one's upbringing and education. But, I also notice that when driving through ritzy neighborhoods, some dingbat is using her cell phone. So I think it's the middle-class drivers who must be the most considerate.
• Three mornings in a a row this week on TV there was a commercial about foreclosures and how you can get in on some of the action. What I don't get is when the announcer's voice said, "If you rent a house or an apartment, you can call now. All others can call tomorrow." This, three days in a row. How stupid is that? No company name, just an 800 phone number.
• Some may worry about how their diet may affect their stool, but I worry about losing my libido when I grow old. Will I miss it, or will it be like turning vegetarian and not really wanting meat anymore?
• What is it with guys who are always wearing baseball caps? I hardly ever see just one dude in the midst of his fellowship wearing one; they all will be. It can't be a fashion statement, can it? The other night me and my GF were out eating at a steak joint again when I spied five of them together, all standing save one, at the bar drinking Budweiser. All of them yakking and looking around. The tightness of this group was so extreme that it was odd to witness the seated fellow's attention distracted by a buxom beauty walking by behind them. It was funny. Anyway, do they go to a clubhouse afterwards and have a baseball cap ceremony of some kind? It's like a religion.
• Do women actually fart, and, if so, when do they do it? Certainly my GF does, but I don't have any evidence that other women do this. I'd like to gain some insights into this without, um, having to go straight to the source.

More skid marks

The reason for so many skid marks lately is because I can't think of anything with any real depth to talk about. So. Here you go.

• You know how the light automatically comes on in some public restrooms as you enter? They ought to have music do that, too. They have elevator music, music in stores, and music for when you're on hold. How about automatic bathroom music? Handel's Messiah could chime in with "Hallelujah!" just at the right time.
• Speaking of public restrooms, don't you think the hand washing sink needs to be outside, like, after you leave the john, after you pull open the probably-contaminated door to leave?
• Advice: If you discover a dime soaking at the bottom of a urinal and you just happen to be too cheap to pick it out of there, just throw in another dime and a nickel to make it worth at least a quarter to you. (Some drunken old geezer told me that years ago, so now I'm telling you...)
• I'd love to see sequels to movies like Scarface with Al Pacino, but the fact of the matter is, all the characters are dead, which is probably good because sequels aren't ever any good anyway.
• Signing the backs of credit cards is one of the most difficult tasks I've ever attempted to do. It's my self consciousness, I'm sure. Knowing that it is scrutinized so frequently, much more than my driver's license. Or maybe because the space in which to do it is so confined, I'm overly concerned with staying within the lines. Whatever. I just can't do it. It turns into a scrappy squiggle mess of my typical signature.
  

Skid marks

Just a few...

• What is with railroad engineers and cruise line passengers who wave at you as if they're in a parade? People who drive by in their cars and trucks don't do that. Can you imagine how friendly the roads would be if everyone always waved at everyone else? It would be sickening.
• Slow-driver frustration is a lot like blackjack. The closer to the speed limit your offending road blockage is, but without going over, the more frustrating it is. (If they're going really slow, you can just pass them.) Also, the older to age 99, without going over, the more frustrating it is. And the longer you have to follow them to your place, without actually pulling into your driveway, the more frustrating it is. The more you have to go to the bathroom, without going in your pants, the more frustrating it is.
• Don't forget: Voice mail only works when you're away from your desk. If you're at your desk and your phone rings, no matter who is in your office talking with you face-to-face, the person calling naturally gets the priority, and the voice mail function probably won't work anyway.

Skid marks

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skid marks

I like the way Lighting Bug's Butt does these "bullet-ins" of snappy bursts of wisdom and witty observations. I think I will steal his idea and name my version "Skid Marks." After all, I am an idiot and I do drive, so that must mean I cause others to leave Skid Marks. OK, here is my first attempt:

• A camera and a phone seem to be as related to one another as a toothpick and a drill. Fine. But why don't they include other handy tools built into cell phones, like a bottle opener, a magnifying glass, or even a cigar torch-lighter? These are things I'd like to see.
• They always ask me if I need to have my parking validated. This is a nice service that can save on the high price of parking these days. But what reward do I get for walking and saving the air quality? Why don't they ask me if I need to have my walking validated and buy me a martini?
• Cars ahead of me in my lane need to slow to look for parking spaces, I can dig that. But I still wish I could ram into them to shove them out of the way. Just because they have to slow down doesn't mean they're not blocking me for some stupid reason. Idiots.
• Speaking of martinis. I always order mine with "just one olive, please." For God's sake, I'm ordering a cocktail, not a salad bar.
• I wonder if I could make a million bucks from blogging?