The Pre-Freeze

I am currently sitting in a tub of very cold water and ice. You see, I've got this theory that if I prefreeze my ass and balls, then this afternoon when my GF and I participate in a sleigh ride with the temperature being a chilly 2 degrees, it won't hurt so bad then they fall off.

Smells

You know, if you can take pictures and video and record sound, I wonder why we can't yet record smells. I'm being an idiot, you say? Nay! So why would this be of any use?

I do a lot of walking for exercise and enjoyment, but I tend to take the same route every day, only varying it slightly, and only occasionally at that. Anyhow, along my route I notice that there are lot of scents along the way that I have found over time to be quite enjoyable.

You wouldn't immediately think that the smell of an auto garage, with its dirty oil, rubber tires, exhaust and other fumes, and stale cigarette air would be that great, but during a breezy day walking past this place, the fleeting poofs of the smelly air aren't that objectionable. Being only temporary whifs, they remind me of my past days, working on car motors, lubing things up, getting all dirty.

I also walk past a hotel and a brewery. You might imagine what the brewery smells like. It is really heaven with the sweet scent of the malt before any of the hops are added to the kettles. Nice! I love that smell; it is not unlike that of a bakery.

The hotel is also nice. It's huge ventilation system is always blowing its warm air out onto the sidewalk. It smells like clean laundry and fried food mixed together. During the rain, it makes you feel like you're in a tub of warm water. During the cold months, it is soothing, and the sidewalk there seems to be always free of snow.

These are scents that I think would be novel to have at hand. Maybe whoever invents such a device could make it so it could hold say, 50 different scents, each under their own category.

One could be food. "Honey, I stopped by the bread store and couldn't figure out which loaf to buy. There was the Rosemary stuff which smelled great -- here, press the button and smell, -- or they also had sourdough that smelled wonderful. Here, press the button and smell that one, too. Which one do you like better?

How about the nose of a fine wine? Many that I can remember have had such a nice smell that I'd definitely like to be able to refer back to them.

Dumb? OK...How about a physiological category?

Let's say your GF always informs you of your horrible breath, but you can never seem to smell your own bad breath. I sure can't, and I've tired everything. The only time I can smell my bad breath is after I've smoked a cigar. Mix that with a strong cup of coffee, and, well, now there's trouble. Well, it would be great to breathe into a certain breath odor recording device -- let's call it The Breath Odor Recording Device -- and have it blown back at you so you can gain the same perspective as your victims. Excellent!

Not good enough?

Well, let's say you had a particularly strong fart, one with such a pungent and sharply offensive odor that it not only makes your eyes water but it also casts a sort of greenish, yellowish tint on everything you see. This you'll definitely have to save. C'mon, if not for your GF when she gets home from her Garden Club (although she argues against me on this, I think she's particularly fond my stinky ones), at least for your buddies while out having pizza and beer. "Hey guys, bottoms up, and, hey, smell this!" Anyway, I think it would be useful to save these sorts of olfactory stimuli so they don't go to waste.

Or, maybe for later analysis for, say, what if you weren't feeling well and were cutting loose a batch of particularly dangerous-smelling farts all day. Wouldn't it be great if the medical field were advanced enough to accurately diagnose and treat the problem based on the smell of a saved fart?

They can tell a lot from blood, urine, and stool testing, why not fart testing? I'll bet they could tell what you ate for the last three days. I wonder if they could detect illegal drug use from one? By the way, isn't the word stool a stupid euphemism for shit?

Anyway, can't get to the doctor's office before they close? There could be a device, say, a flatutainer that you could buy at drug stores and Wall Mart. (They'd be stocked close to the enema treatments.) Simply strap it on, let loose, seal it up, and drop it off at your doctor's handy after-hours drop box.

Stupid Idea

I think this might be a useless and idiotic thing to do, I admit, but I want to write a program that will use a telephone modem to dial all the phone numbers within a range, and, instead of logging which numbers belong to other modems (there won't be many of those), simply have a computer voice say, "Sorry, wrong number..." and then hang up. Could you imagine that? Kind of makes me laugh, you know? A computer, after all, admitting a mistake and all that? OK, I knew it was a dumb idea.

Holograms

Whatever happened to hologram technology, and why isn't its use more widespread? Imagine a huge one, hovering over an accident scene or some other traffic blockage. It could be big, bold, colorful, and chock full of information. Wouldn't that be useful to countless drivers from all around, perhaps even from miles away? Drivers could easily plan their routes around blocked areas. Emergency response personnel would know quickly where to go to save victims. It could even be an entertainment source for drivers who are bored. They could play reruns of "I Love Lucy."

Oh, no, wait, that wouldn't be such a good idea... Attorneys, like those ones who advertise on TV every 90 seconds as if they were Cal Worthington, would also capitalize on them and know right where to go to find victims even before the ambulance arrives. Never mind.

Job Interview Technique

A former boss long ago told me that one way you can judge a person is by how much scotch tape they use, whether it be to mend a tear in a page, or to affix a piece of paper somewhere. This got me to thinking.

At my job I am occasionally afforded the opportunity to conduct -- or at least assist with -- employment interviews. This sometimes leads me to think about new ways of discovering how a person really is, despite what they might say. Let's face it, you cannot always trust what a person says about him or herself, and, in my experience, job interviews are the best evidence of this.

I think the amount of tape one uses is a great indication of how somebody really is. Are they sloppy, carefree, and disrespectful of available resources? Or are they precise, cautious, orderly, and economical?

But are there other atypical ways to judge a person, like, say, for a job interview? I'm sure you've heard about interesting interviewing techniques, questions, scenarios and such. "Give me an example of a difficult situation with a coworker? How did you handle it?" Yeah yeah, sure.

Here's an idea: Secretly witness them drive back and forth across town a few times.

From the vantage point of a hidden audio/video recorder inside the car, you could find out the true nature of your driver's vocabulary, cuss words, facial expressions, hand gestures, and what situations call for these. From the vantage point of another car you could covertly grasp the bigger picture, however.

Does your prospect follow too closely while appearing manically impatient? And do they shake their fist or flip the bird or otherwise heap a truckload of scorn onto the driver ahead because that driver is going too slow? If so, this is a good sign. It is an indicator that your prospect can get the job done much faster than most anyone else. If it were not for that idiot in front, your prospect would be at his or her destination by now. Leaving a length of a semi-tractor/trailer + four cars is a sign of a slow worker.

Does your prospect continually change lanes, often at the last minute before pulling up to a red light? If so, this is good. It means that they are continually on the lookout for better ways to do things. They're not always caught in a rut. People who never veer between lanes will never have bright new insights.

Do they simply drive too fast, especially when road conditions are bad? If so, this is good. It means your potential employee is willing to take risks, willing to do what it takes to get the job done. This is the mark of a great employee, and I would strongly consider this person over the timid little fellow who pokes along at 4 miles per hour under the limit. That little dumb ass will never get anything done, and you should never consider hiring him.

How about turn signals? Does your prospect use them both for changing lanes and making turns? Whoops, this could be bad. If they do, it means they could be too predictable and therefore extremely boring for your office or job site atmosphere. This can lead to nonproductivity in other employees.

How about cellular telephone use while in heavy traffic? This is great if it occurs with your prospect. It means that they are willing to manage more than one task at a time. It also means that they have great dexterity and vision.

Can they park their rig? Hmm, if so, not good. It's an indicator that they might waste too much time while on the clock.

Does your person consume alcohol while driving? If they do, of course, it means that your prospect knows how to deal with stress and nervousness. These can lead to heart problems and high blood pressure and eventually erectile disfunction, all of which mean lost productivity due to the sick leave they'll have to take.

Well, I see that, from a pure productivity stand point, this test would indicate me to be the best prospect for just about any job except maybe for a funeral home director where grace and tact are major requirements. Anyway, the next time we have a job interview to conduct, I will be sure to suggest this new technique. I should get a raise for this.

Blogging and Low Carb Burgers

Blogging is just like eating a Low Carb 6 Dollar Burger at Carl's Jr. You are out there alone, at a table, not making eye contact with anybody, and at the same time you're trying to eat the world's most embarrassing thing to try to eat: A juicy cheeseburger without the bun. Yeah, there's the lettuce that supposedly "wraps" everything into a tight little bundle, but, to date, that has never worked for me. And you know that every other customer -- and their two rug-rat kids -- is staring right at you like you are the most animalistic consumer of fast food on earth. You don't confirm this, though, because you're too embarrassed to look to see if the other person is looking at you which they probably are. After the first two bites, the entire thing usually collapses and then it looks like you are eating hamburger stew, dripping wet and with just your hands.

So this is my second post to the blog.

Speaking of eating that burger. Not only is it embarrassing to eat, what with everyone shaking their head at you, fool, but now you have to embarrass yourself even more by cleaning it all off yourself, all in front of the same people. Don't look now.

They ought to have little "face showers" at each table. That way, instead of just napkins, you can be provided with a hot table-side hand and face shower. It's perfect. There could be a little wire frame-work that can "pop up" onto the sides of the table to drape a small shower curtain around the table. There will be a vertical slit and two holes on either side for your head and hands to enter the shower. It's all fastened up by Velcro. Two can do it at one time. Napkins can be used to dry off.

Next to the Diet Sodas and Iced Tea there could be a tap for soap. One squirt into a little catchup tub is all that is needed for two people.