So WTF does "horses for courses" mean? No, I'm not going to google or wiki it. I want to suffer for awhile. I will come up with my own definitions until I can't stand it.

Hand Lotion and Bacon-flavored Panties

Why is it that the best moisturizing hand lotions are always in somebody else's bathroom and never in my own or on store shelves? I never seem to have good stuff. Only those whom I visit. Next time I go to a party, I'm taking a plastic baggie with me and I'm going to spurt out about half their hand lotion to keep with me.

Ok, enough with all the bacon-flavored things. I've had enough. You name it, it's out there. Bacon-flavored lip balm. Bacon-flavored mayo. Bacon-flavored chocolate. What's next, bacon-scented women's panties? Hmm...

I revere the Peanuts cartoon strip so much that I consider it blasphemy to read another strip first.

I get football, mostly. What I don't get is why you see about fourteen guys on top of each other after a fumble, like a big, feisty, manly ball on the field. That is strange. Why would the last few guys pile on top? Somebody obviously has possession of the ball down there, somewhere, don't they? I'd hate to be the ball, and I'd hate to be the man on the very bottom. I just don't get that.

Me and my GF are having a fight. They say that one way to stimulate the current low economy is to go out and buy. She's irritated with me because I want to go out and buy a Jag or a really cool dSLR camera with a long telephoto lens. WTF?

People's Choice Awards

From the looks of this program I watched last night, Hollywood and the Entertainment industry has been taken over by a bunch of young, ditsy blond girls. Did you watch this?

Bunch of new pop crap. The only reason I watched it was to reinforce my contempt for it.

It was great. I recorded it on the DVR and I'm going to watch it again tonight.

Women.

Well this New Year started out great, Sheesh! Tonight after my girlfriend cooked such a nice dinner, I said to her, "Honey, that was so good. Hey, if I haven't told you that I love you enough, don't worry, I'll tell you a bit later, OK?"

Women.

No appreciation whatsoever.

The Pre-Freeze

I am currently sitting in a tub of very cold water and ice. You see, I've got this theory that if I prefreeze my ass and balls, then this afternoon when my GF and I participate in a sleigh ride with the temperature being a chilly 2 degrees, it won't hurt so bad then they fall off.

Love, Water, and Honey

Love is
Getting her a glass of water,
Watching the water flow.
"Yes, Honey. Sure,"
Knowing the party's still going, and you
Forget that your company left a some time ago.

Slush, School Zones, Plastic Forks, and Socks

Icy winter time again here, cold, chilly to the bone. And I'm more of a jack-ass than ever, just ask my girlfriend. I don't actually drive 80 MPH or with any real intention of climbing through the windshield to attack and eat the heart out of the driver in front of me, I just sound like it. That's part of my therapy! This is how I cope with these torments, these unnecessary and inconsiderate delays. Does it ever really matter that we get into work at 7:09 instead of 7:07 every morning? I know it doesn't. My GF thinks that I don't know it, though, and that I'm always seriously concerned with losing a minute here or there. Bah! This morning, in formally sort-of-snowy but now mostly-slushy conditions, there was a driver in front of me who thought it safest to make her* way through the middle of two lanes. This of course infuriated me so I of course let loose verbally which led to my GF getting all upset, saying I'm a dangerous driver and I should be more understanding and patient and .... oops, wait a second, look up ahead: Those school zone flashers will activate in less than a minute at 7:00 A.M. and a driver ahead of me is going 18 instead of the current limit of 45. Oh shit, like, "Don't drive too fast, you poor, timid, feeble, soul, otherwise you'll miss the the slow zone!" Idiot.

What is it lately with all these web sites and books and things showing all the places to see before you die? It's like stuff you need to do before leaving on a jet plane. I don't want to be reminded that I'm going to die and that I better do or see such and such. Give me a break. Just show me cool places around the world and I'll make up my own damn mind on what I want to see or where I want to go.

I work in a place where the cheap-ass cafeteria provides only cheap-ass plastic eating ware. I can't keep jack shit on my tiny plastic fork, it's always falling off. What can you comfortably eat with one of those? I can't cut jack shit with my stupid, cheap-ass dull plastic knife. What is the point? Never order a steak in a cafeteria that doesn't offer real knifes. They ought to cut up the meat in small, toddler-sized chunks so I don't have to screw with trying to cut my meat with such a dull utensil. It's like using a comb to cut through leather. They ought to have a food processor right next to the cash register.

I can't stand it when my socks fall down. You will even see me walk funny, such that my leg and calf muscles stay flexed enough to hold them up. Speaking of socks, have you ever noticed that October Fest revelers, you know with their outfits, socks up to their knees and all, dance like they need a wedgie remover?

* actually it was a guy who drives like a girl!

Blah blah blah

"I will be out of the office starting 07/24/2008 and will not return until 07/28/2008.

"I will respond to your message when I return.

My reply:

"But I will be in the office during this time. Thank you for your quick response. I will be awaiting your actual response, the one that I expect will be meaningful and not a waste of my time. In the mean time, you needn't notify me further as to when you will return because I know that my original message is in your inbox and that you will read and respond when you return."

Response:

"I will be out of the office starting 07/24/2008 and will not return until 07/28/2008.

"I will respond to your message when I return.

I've decided to make two life changes: 1) Put socks on before pants. Why? Because my calves are so bulky with muscle after years of extensive physical training, stair-climbing, and many long marathons, it is impossible to pull the bottom parts of my pants up so that I can pull my socks up to that satisfying height of sock-on-calf comfort. Actually it's because I'm overweight and old and I can't bend over that well anymore.

The second life change is that I vow to have finished my first water bottle of the day before I get out of the car after my morning commute. It must be trippy watching me fumble over all my shit trying to walk through four separate doors with a brief case, keys, cell phone, sun glasses, and water bottle. I'm an idiot.

Have you noticed that many users (not you, of course) mistakenly think that the little Internet Explorer icon on their desktop is the internet, and they have no idea what a web browser is. Isn't this like thinking that the four-wheeled thing in the garage is Walmart?

I find that the more often I hear somebody say, "You bet," the more often I want to bet them how fast I can lay them on the ground if they say it again.

The OOO Message

"I will be out of the office starting 06/10/2008 and will not return until 06/23/2008"

Did you ever notice how dreadfully useless and stupid these types of messages are? What purpose does the OOO message serve other than: 1) let me know when you're going to be back in the office, presumably to read your non-time-sensitive email, when I don't give a shit in the first place; and 2) send a useless email message into my inbox that I now have to delete!

I don't care if you read my mail or not. I usually send mail for your benefit, not mine. If I need an answer to something I'll use google or come to your door!

The trend seems to be growing, too. I hope you don't mass produce these like people in my office do. It's email, people, hello?!? Email isn't time sensitive. If it is, then you shouldn't be using email; use the telephone or page some one.

I've decided that I'm going to fight back. For every one of these I receive (three of them today), I am going to "Reply with History" back and say: "OK"

One guy in my office appends this to his OOO message: "Please do not continue to e-mail me messages during this absense unless the information/response can await my return. Thanks!"

Idiot Tourists in Waikiki

A few weeks ago I was in Chicago visiting friends. Wow, what a city Chicago is. My GF and I were able to see the big aquarium, the Science and Industry Museum, and the Lincoln Park Zoo. Fantastic. My buddy and I were also able to drive from there to St. Louis to see Radiohead. Was the most amazing and mesmerizing concert I'd ever seen. Then, back in Chicago, four days later, we saw The Cure. Is that kick ass or what? My ears are still ringing...

The last couple of weeks I was in Hawaii, visiting the beautiful island of Oahu. I won't bore you with all the Mai Tais I drank or the Sex on the Beach or my subsequent arrest, but there were a few interesting things I've noticed about Hawaii...

The locals walk very slowly, but they're extremely nice about it. In fact, they're nice in just about everything they do. I love this. It makes me wish I lived there. The tourists there, however, quickly reverse this desire as they are are assholes. Especially on the sidewalks of Waikiki. A fire hose would have been ideal.

Hawaii is one place that posts speed limit signs that provide a 55 MPH maximum and a 45 MPH minimum. I've seen this in other states and I've always thought this was a good idea. Until I realized that, in a 55 zone, if I were to come up behind somebody who's doing only 45 MPH, that would piss me off royally. I'd like to see: 55 MPH Maxium - 54.5 MPH Minimum - Strictly Enforced.

Since I don't know Honolulu well, I noticed that when riding around on The Bus it is possible to get your bearings by simply making note of the various tall condos, hotels, and office buildings. They are all unique enough that they make a worthy array of land marks. It works quite well and you don't have to wonder long before knowing which stop to get off. Going back to my hotel was easy: my hotel is right next to a building that looks like a huge penis.

What is it with cigarette butts everywhere? Don't they realize that if they'd put waste-receptacles with butt-trays at strategic locations, the streets would be a lot cleaner? I noticed also that motorists tend to empty their car ashtrays right onto the street at intersections. This is terrible. What they ought to do is toss their butts out the window before they reach the intersections. This will help avoid such an unsightly mess.

In the office I was working at there I had a good time. The people are friendly and laid back and very personable. It was quite a cramped space, and I noticed that a small copy machine was located three feet from a large shredder. If you'd have blurred your eyes looking at the two, they would've looked identical: same height, each with a slot at the top. I placed a sign on the copy machine that said "Shredder," and one on the shredder that said, "Copy Machine (Face Up!)" This was fine and dandy until they attempted to photocopy a reimbursement check for me. SHIT!

On the airplane, every inconvenient rule is for your safety. What a bunch of crap. "For your safety, no line is to form by the lavatory in the front cabin." "For your safety, all carry-on items need to be stowed under the seat in front of you." "For your safety, during take-off and landing all trays and seat backs must be in their upright and locked positions." "For your safety, we will be passing through the cabin one more time to collect all service items regardless of content." "For your safety, we will make sure to violently knock your elbow that is sticking out in the aisle with our drink cart as we pass through the cabin." "For your safety, fuck you."

By the way, does toothpaste ever go bad?