Rock Bands

Rock bands are so arrogant. Here is what gets my goat. How come they so often engage the listening audience to sing their songs back to them? The audience members can't possibly be skilled or talented enough to perform the songs nearly as well as the band, so it must be just a power trip. Dumb audience.

When I'm driving 59 MPH in a 55 and somebody comes whizzing past me doing at least 70 MPH, I slow down a little bit to make the contrast between our differing speeds seem greater to a potential police observer and measurer. This will increase the chance of that other asshole getting caught and not me.

No Animals Were Harmed

"No animals were harmed during the making of this movie"

"...however, after making this movie, we butchered and ate them all."

The Unknown Vagina of Life

Me and my girlfriend were walking down an aisle of Home Depot the other day when I told her, in a reassuring way, that she is very much like the reservoir tip of a condom as she guides me into the gigantic, unknown vagina of life. She didn't take kindly to it. Chicks. I swear.

My Wastetbasket

When the person comes to get my garbage from my round waste receptacle they replace the garbage bag and don't spread it out well enough. That causes it to look like a butt hole staring up at me. I threw an empty water bottle into it and it reminded me of inserting a suppository. Irritating.

8 pound baby

Why is it that when new babies are announced the mention always includes the weight of the baby? Adults never include their weight when being introduced.

"Hi, my name is Jim and I'm a 223 pounder. You?"

Why is weight that important? To me, it would be better to say something like, "Little Jeanie was born yesterday, healthy as a strong fart, squiggly and pink, with a voice that would shatter the eardrums of Led Zeppelin."

Of course, there are other attributes to call attention to when being introduced; weight is not the only interesting feature.

"Hi, my name is Jim and I'm regular."

"Hi, my name is Sue and the 14th is my time this month.

"Hello, my name is Harold, and I have a wart on my ass."

OK, that's stretching it. Sorry. I'm just sayin...

This blog is rated "R"

Mingle² - Online Dating

Safe Drivers

I hate it when the jerk in front of me slows down just to show me how safe a driver he is. He's not being safe. He's being an asshole. It happens all the time. When the person ahead of me is going 5 MPH slower than the speed limit (the limit which is already way too slow) and I tail gate them just a little bit to try to get them to speed up for me, they fuckin' slow down. Yeah, buddy, I see you're a safe driver, yeah yeah. You can be safe, but I'm bored out of my skull. Please, just pull your safe fat ass over and let me get past you, you jerk.

Oops, gotta go. I'm texting this and somebody is following too close. I need to put both hands back on the wheel and slow down by 5MPH.

Blog or Don't

Every 3rd blog I visit has an entry that starts out like this: "I'm sorry I haven't been posting that much lately..."

I don't get it. Blog or don't, but blog something useful, don't blog that you haven't blogged.

Riding the Shopping Cart

I like to ride the shopping cart at Costco. I look out for a long, clear runway in an aisle, run as fast as I can, and hop onto the back of the cart, usually by placing my feet on the bottom support cross-member. Buzzing along for 50 feet or so I find extremely fun and it makes me feel like the kid that I am. Speed. I behave this way while driving the car, too, but who cares if you knock over 40 cases of Pop Tarts.

This probably doesn't come as any surprise to you, me being a regular idiot male, bored out of his wits while his girlfriend does the actual shopping.

But what gets me is that I never see any other guy do this. Why is that? Am I the only one in this mid-sized city who goes with his lady to Costco and does this with the shopping cart? C'mon fellas... have some fun. Jeezuz H. Christ, be a kid.

You belong face down on the sidewalk, anyway

The next time I have to change my route or pace because some dumb, fat, smoking chick walks out of the bar without even looking, totally oblivious to the fact that I'm going to walk smack into them if they don't see me, I'm not going to change my route or pace, and I'll walk smack into them, I swear. It's my sidewalk, get the hell ouf of my way, you pig.