More complaints

One trouble with surfing the net, all the blogs, all the videos, is that, 95% of the time, I'm listening to my favorite music at the same time. Well, 95% of the content of blogs seems to be videos that require you to pause your own shit while you listen to theirs. Fuck that. It's like having to put up with on-hold music; it sucks. Give me some options, people!

Things I'd like to see. (Then I'll shut up about them.)

English subtitles for in-flight movies so you don't have to waste the lousy $5.00 to watch Shrek when you can listen to your iPod and read the subtitles instead. Nasty, greedy, sleeze-bag airlines, you.

A "Turn-Off-The-On-Hold-Shit-While-I'm-On-HOLD" option

Out-of-state vehicles with Hawaiian license plates

Traffic Law Reminder Signs posted in appropriate places, like in the left-hand-onto-one-way-turn-lanes. Idiots.

More butter.

Cable

I got cable hooked up about a week ago. I own about 50 DVD movies. I didn't get any premium movie channels, but they have some movies on AMC and TNT and a few others. Cool. What's not cool is that, every single movie the non-premium stations have had over the last week I OWN AL-FUCKIN-READY. Examples: "A Simple Plan," "The Godfather," "Face Off," "Thirteen Days," "The Untouchables," "Goodfellas," "Carlito's Way," "Star Trek ...," "The Green Mile," "Crimson Tide," "A Simple Plan," "The Godfather," "Face Off," "Thirteen Days," "The Untouchables," "Goodfellas," "Carlito's Way," "Star Trek ...," "The Green Mile," "Crimson Tide,""A Simple Plan," "The Godfather," "Face Off," "Thirteen Days," "The Untouchables," "Goodfellas," "Carlito's Way," "Star Trek ...," "The Green Mile," "Crimson Tide,""A Simple Plan," "The Godfather," "Face Off," "Thirteen Days," "The Untouchables," "Goodfellas," "Carlito's Way," "Star Trek ...," "The Green Mile," "Crimson Tide,"........ you get the idea.

Rock Bands

Rock bands are so arrogant. Here is what gets my goat. How come they so often engage the listening audience to sing their songs back to them? The audience members can't possibly be skilled or talented enough to perform the songs nearly as well as the band, so it must be just a power trip. Dumb audience.

When I'm driving 59 MPH in a 55 and somebody comes whizzing past me doing at least 70 MPH, I slow down a little bit to make the contrast between our differing speeds seem greater to a potential police observer and measurer. This will increase the chance of that other asshole getting caught and not me.

No Animals Were Harmed

"No animals were harmed during the making of this movie"

"...however, after making this movie, we butchered and ate them all."

The Unknown Vagina of Life

Me and my girlfriend were walking down an aisle of Home Depot the other day when I told her, in a reassuring way, that she is very much like the reservoir tip of a condom as she guides me into the gigantic, unknown vagina of life. She didn't take kindly to it. Chicks. I swear.

My Wastetbasket

When the person comes to get my garbage from my round waste receptacle they replace the garbage bag and don't spread it out well enough. That causes it to look like a butt hole staring up at me. I threw an empty water bottle into it and it reminded me of inserting a suppository. Irritating.

8 pound baby

Why is it that when new babies are announced the mention always includes the weight of the baby? Adults never include their weight when being introduced.

"Hi, my name is Jim and I'm a 223 pounder. You?"

Why is weight that important? To me, it would be better to say something like, "Little Jeanie was born yesterday, healthy as a strong fart, squiggly and pink, with a voice that would shatter the eardrums of Led Zeppelin."

Of course, there are other attributes to call attention to when being introduced; weight is not the only interesting feature.

"Hi, my name is Jim and I'm regular."

"Hi, my name is Sue and the 14th is my time this month.

"Hello, my name is Harold, and I have a wart on my ass."

OK, that's stretching it. Sorry. I'm just sayin...

This blog is rated "R"

Mingle² - Online Dating

Safe Drivers

I hate it when the jerk in front of me slows down just to show me how safe a driver he is. He's not being safe. He's being an asshole. It happens all the time. When the person ahead of me is going 5 MPH slower than the speed limit (the limit which is already way too slow) and I tail gate them just a little bit to try to get them to speed up for me, they fuckin' slow down. Yeah, buddy, I see you're a safe driver, yeah yeah. You can be safe, but I'm bored out of my skull. Please, just pull your safe fat ass over and let me get past you, you jerk.

Oops, gotta go. I'm texting this and somebody is following too close. I need to put both hands back on the wheel and slow down by 5MPH.

Blog or Don't

Every 3rd blog I visit has an entry that starts out like this: "I'm sorry I haven't been posting that much lately..."

I don't get it. Blog or don't, but blog something useful, don't blog that you haven't blogged.