Walruses, Stomach Acid, Yawning, and my Girlfriend

A colleague will soon have gastric bypass surgery. He told me that 1% of persons undergoing it will die on account of leakage of stomach acids resulting in one's insides being digested. Eeew. This got me to thinking. I wonder if puke could be used as a deadly weapon? How about to digest a wart off of your left middle finger? Simply soak for two hours and voila!

Don't you hate it when people talk at you while they're yawning? This drives me crazy. Did you notice that their voices actually get louder to compensate for the garbled enunciation? And they go on and on, too. Once one yawn corrupts any possible bit of eloquence, here comes another mixed with another unrecognizable utterance. Walruses fucking on the western beaches of Alaska sound smarter than that. Well, you remember how annoying The Whiners are? They were a skit on Saturday Night Live; I sure loved the episodes that feature them, but I can tell you that I could not listen to them for any length of time. It would be like listening to finger nails scratching a chalk board, or my girlfriend asking me to fold laundry. Anyway, here's what to try: Next time you get together with a group of drinking buds, make it a rule that when you speak with one another it needs to be in yawn form. I call it: yawntificating. Try it. It will be funny for about 4 minutes.

I wanted to add to Lighting Bug's Butt's February 29, 2008 section on "Stupid Things People Say," an idea I forwarded to him as I participated in his call for Essay Ideas:

• "finger off that trigger" - this is a remarkably stupid thing to say, first on my list. First of all, if you pick up a gun, you either want to use it (in self-defense, of course) or to try out its action. Why on earth would one instruct me to keep my finger off its trigger? this is like saying "hands off that steering wheel" when sitting in that showroom Mustang, smelling the leather, working the gear shift. Seriously, you can put your finger on the trigger any time you like. Look at the possible scenarios, and let's talk just hand guns for now. First, if it is a revolver, it will probably be a "double-action" one in which case it takes a good amount of effort to pull the trigger to make it go bang. Secondly, if it is an automatic, the hammer better be at rest in the first place, but other than that, it would be just like a revolver. Naturally, if the pistol is cocked (hammer back in the firing position), and you're an idiot for keeping it that way, well, keep your finger off that trigger.
• "I'm just sayin'" - no, idiot, you're not saying anything useful.
• "Would you care to look at the dessert menu?" (at places like Lone Star or any place that serves 14 pounds of food in addition to the salad and bread)
• "Would you like another martini?" (self explanatory)

My GF is out of town on vacation. Two weeks. Why didn't I go with her, you ask? Good question, and I am psychologically affected by this. The first few days are grand, but it is starting to get old really quickly. First of all, never in my life have I seen newspapers and socks stack up as quickly as they do at my house when she leaves. Do you know how many coffee cups you have? I sure do: exactly 29. And wine glasses (I have only broken one since she left six days ago). And, by the way, why do you actually have to put laundry away once you've folded it? Why can't it just stay stacked in the living room chair, instantly accessible for quick donning. I never understood neat freaks. I am a lonely pig.