Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Rock Bands

Rock bands are so arrogant. Here is what gets my goat. How come they so often engage the listening audience to sing their songs back to them? The audience members can't possibly be skilled or talented enough to perform the songs nearly as well as the band, so it must be just a power trip. Dumb audience.

When I'm driving 59 MPH in a 55 and somebody comes whizzing past me doing at least 70 MPH, I slow down a little bit to make the contrast between our differing speeds seem greater to a potential police observer and measurer. This will increase the chance of that other asshole getting caught and not me.

Monday, July 30, 2007

No Animals Were Harmed

"No animals were harmed during the making of this movie"

"...however, after making this movie, we butchered and ate them all."

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Unknown Vagina of Life

Me and my girlfriend were walking down an aisle of Home Depot the other day when I told her, in a reassuring way, that she is very much like the reservoir tip of a condom as she guides me into the gigantic, unknown vagina of life. She didn't take kindly to it. Chicks. I swear.

My Wastetbasket

When the person comes to get my garbage from my round waste receptacle they replace the garbage bag and don't spread it out well enough. That causes it to look like a butt hole staring up at me. I threw an empty water bottle into it and it reminded me of inserting a suppository. Irritating.

Friday, July 13, 2007

8 pound baby

Why is it that when new babies are announced the mention always includes the weight of the baby? Adults never include their weight when being introduced.

"Hi, my name is Jim and I'm a 223 pounder. You?"

Why is weight that important? To me, it would be better to say something like, "Little Jeanie was born yesterday, healthy as a strong fart, squiggly and pink, with a voice that would shatter the eardrums of Led Zeppelin."

Of course, there are other attributes to call attention to when being introduced; weight is not the only interesting feature.

"Hi, my name is Jim and I'm regular."

"Hi, my name is Sue and the 14th is my time this month.

"Hello, my name is Harold, and I have a wart on my ass."

OK, that's stretching it. Sorry. I'm just sayin...