Smells

You know, if you can take pictures and video and record sound, I wonder why we can't yet record smells. I'm being an idiot, you say? Nay! So why would this be of any use?

I do a lot of walking for exercise and enjoyment, but I tend to take the same route every day, only varying it slightly, and only occasionally at that. Anyhow, along my route I notice that there are lot of scents along the way that I have found over time to be quite enjoyable.

You wouldn't immediately think that the smell of an auto garage, with its dirty oil, rubber tires, exhaust and other fumes, and stale cigarette air would be that great, but during a breezy day walking past this place, the fleeting poofs of the smelly air aren't that objectionable. Being only temporary whifs, they remind me of my past days, working on car motors, lubing things up, getting all dirty.

I also walk past a hotel and a brewery. You might imagine what the brewery smells like. It is really heaven with the sweet scent of the malt before any of the hops are added to the kettles. Nice! I love that smell; it is not unlike that of a bakery.

The hotel is also nice. It's huge ventilation system is always blowing its warm air out onto the sidewalk. It smells like clean laundry and fried food mixed together. During the rain, it makes you feel like you're in a tub of warm water. During the cold months, it is soothing, and the sidewalk there seems to be always free of snow.

These are scents that I think would be novel to have at hand. Maybe whoever invents such a device could make it so it could hold say, 50 different scents, each under their own category.

One could be food. "Honey, I stopped by the bread store and couldn't figure out which loaf to buy. There was the Rosemary stuff which smelled great -- here, press the button and smell, -- or they also had sourdough that smelled wonderful. Here, press the button and smell that one, too. Which one do you like better?

How about the nose of a fine wine? Many that I can remember have had such a nice smell that I'd definitely like to be able to refer back to them.

Dumb? OK...How about a physiological category?

Let's say your GF always informs you of your horrible breath, but you can never seem to smell your own bad breath. I sure can't, and I've tired everything. The only time I can smell my bad breath is after I've smoked a cigar. Mix that with a strong cup of coffee, and, well, now there's trouble. Well, it would be great to breathe into a certain breath odor recording device -- let's call it The Breath Odor Recording Device -- and have it blown back at you so you can gain the same perspective as your victims. Excellent!

Not good enough?

Well, let's say you had a particularly strong fart, one with such a pungent and sharply offensive odor that it not only makes your eyes water but it also casts a sort of greenish, yellowish tint on everything you see. This you'll definitely have to save. C'mon, if not for your GF when she gets home from her Garden Club (although she argues against me on this, I think she's particularly fond my stinky ones), at least for your buddies while out having pizza and beer. "Hey guys, bottoms up, and, hey, smell this!" Anyway, I think it would be useful to save these sorts of olfactory stimuli so they don't go to waste.

Or, maybe for later analysis for, say, what if you weren't feeling well and were cutting loose a batch of particularly dangerous-smelling farts all day. Wouldn't it be great if the medical field were advanced enough to accurately diagnose and treat the problem based on the smell of a saved fart?

They can tell a lot from blood, urine, and stool testing, why not fart testing? I'll bet they could tell what you ate for the last three days. I wonder if they could detect illegal drug use from one? By the way, isn't the word stool a stupid euphemism for shit?

Anyway, can't get to the doctor's office before they close? There could be a device, say, a flatutainer that you could buy at drug stores and Wall Mart. (They'd be stocked close to the enema treatments.) Simply strap it on, let loose, seal it up, and drop it off at your doctor's handy after-hours drop box.