Friday, November 30, 2007

Women. Again.

Let me get this straight. If men are mostly into visuals ("Great legs!") and women are more into their feelings, then why is it that when my GF and her friends get together spontaneously at a bar we like to go to from time to time (I enjoy my martinis), she can turn away from me completely and cackle with them like a flock of geese and completely ignore me and my martini? You can venture an educated guess at what would happen if I did that to her. Anyway, this happened last night. While I enjoyed a peek or two of her cute friends (over her shoulder) (visuals, you see) I enjoyed my martini and paid attention to the three-piece jazz band playing. (Incidentally, Shadow of Your Smile is a great tune and it keyed in well to my feelings at the time!)

I should speak only for myself here, but sometimes I feel that, while a man's heart can lay mostly hidden or buried, it is still a fragile thing, but women want it to be a strong thing. A woman's, on the other hand, seems to be in your face and is much stronger than a man's heart, but we want it to be a softer thing. I don't get it. Or maybe I do.

Women.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Kid wants a bike

So there was this kid who asked his dad if he could get a bike. The dad says, "Kid, if you can touch the head of your dick to your ass hole, I'll buy you the bike!" The kid tried, tried, and tried again, but just couldn't.

Couple years go by... the kid tries it again. Can't do it, dammit. He's 15.

Couple more years. Tries it again. Almost.

Finally, he's 18 and a half. He just manages to plant the head of his dick next to his ass hole.

"Dad! Dad! I did it! I did it! I got my dick head right in my ass hole! Can I have the bike now??"

The dad replies, "No, but now you can fuck yourself!"

OK, Ok... bad blog material. I'll do better tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

My New Twitter

Amazing, I can see that I have 497 readers, 332 subscribers, and 14 million page views per day here. This is incredible*. But, hey, what the hell. I wanted to make a note here that I am live with a Twitter account. Please check me out. It will be spontaneous, off the wall, offensive, and very idiotic at times. Hear me out...

*I'm one step ahead of you, sweetie...

Smells

You know, if you can take pictures and video and record sound, I wonder why we can't yet record smells. I'm being an idiot, you say? Nay! So why would this be of any use?

I do a lot of walking for exercise and enjoyment, but I tend to take the same route every day, only varying it slightly, and only occasionally at that. Anyhow, along my route I notice that there are lot of scents along the way that I have found over time to be quite enjoyable.

You wouldn't immediately think that the smell of an auto garage, with its dirty oil, rubber tires, exhaust and other fumes, and stale cigarette air would be that great, but during a breezy day walking past this place, the fleeting poofs of the smelly air aren't that objectionable. Being only temporary whifs, they remind me of my past days, working on car motors, lubing things up, getting all dirty.

I also walk past a hotel and a brewery. You might imagine what the brewery smells like. It is really heaven with the sweet scent of the malt before any of the hops are added to the kettles. Nice! I love that smell; it is not unlike that of a bakery.

The hotel is also nice. It's huge ventilation system is always blowing its warm air out onto the sidewalk. It smells like clean laundry and fried food mixed together. During the rain, it makes you feel like you're in a tub of warm water. During the cold months, it is soothing, and the sidewalk there seems to be always free of snow.

These are scents that I think would be novel to have at hand. Maybe whoever invents such a device could make it so it could hold say, 50 different scents, each under their own category.

One could be food. "Honey, I stopped by the bread store and couldn't figure out which loaf to buy. There was the Rosemary stuff which smelled great -- here, press the button and smell, -- or they also had sourdough that smelled wonderful. Here, press the button and smell that one, too. Which one do you like better?

How about the nose of a fine wine? Many that I can remember have had such a nice smell that I'd definitely like to be able to refer back to them.

Dumb? OK...How about a physiological category?

Let's say your GF always informs you of your horrible breath, but you can never seem to smell your own bad breath. I sure can't, and I've tired everything. The only time I can smell my bad breath is after I've smoked a cigar. Mix that with a strong cup of coffee, and, well, now there's trouble. Well, it would be great to breathe into a certain breath odor recording device -- let's call it The Breath Odor Recording Device -- and have it blown back at you so you can gain the same perspective as your victims. Excellent!

Not good enough?

Well, let's say you had a particularly strong fart, one with such a pungent and sharply offensive odor that it not only makes your eyes water but it also casts a sort of greenish, yellowish tint on everything you see. This you'll definitely have to save. C'mon, if not for your GF when she gets home from her Garden Club (although she argues against me on this, I think she's particularly fond my stinky ones), at least for your buddies while out having pizza and beer. "Hey guys, bottoms up, and, hey, smell this!" Anyway, I think it would be useful to save these sorts of olfactory stimuli so they don't go to waste.

Or, maybe for later analysis for, say, what if you weren't feeling well and were cutting loose a batch of particularly dangerous-smelling farts all day. Wouldn't it be great if the medical field were advanced enough to accurately diagnose and treat the problem based on the smell of a saved fart?

They can tell a lot from blood, urine, and stool testing, why not fart testing? I'll bet they could tell what you ate for the last three days. I wonder if they could detect illegal drug use from one? By the way, isn't the word stool a stupid euphemism for shit?

Anyway, can't get to the doctor's office before they close? There could be a device, say, a flatutainer that you could buy at drug stores and Wall Mart. (They'd be stocked close to the enema treatments.) Simply strap it on, let loose, seal it up, and drop it off at your doctor's handy after-hours drop box.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Audio Cues for Drivers?

My - and probably your - computer has many different sounds that are associated with events, you know, like program errors or when the operating system loads. These make great audio cues so the user can be sure of what the computer is doing. I was thinking, why can't cars have different sounding horns for all the events that happen on the road? I can think of several.

Though in my city we wouldn't use them very often, I think it would be nice to have a friendly sounding mode, something that sounds like tingle tingle, or whatever, to say thank you to those few who use blinkers, or who don't cut you off.

More useful, however, we could have the soft, polite, coaxing little "beep beep" so that you can calmly remind the driver ahead of you that the light has just turned green and he can take his gaze off iPod or his GF and go. (I tend to gaze at my GF at red lights because she is extremely cute - hey, I'm talking reeealy cute - when, on more than one occasion, I have been reminded in this way. It is embarrassing, but it happens.)

You could have a slightly louder and more assertive sound for when somebody may not see you as they're changing lanes. It happens, and I wouldn't vote to have people arrested for this, though maybe a good honk would help to deter this stupidity. How about a a loud, growling sound? "Watch it, buster, stay out of my turf!"

OK, it's time to get serious and show those idiots just how angry you can get. The jerk-off who changes lanes right in front of you without the use of the turn signal. This guy deserves something ear-piercing. How about an accurate and loud rendition of a train-wreck? Or a gun-shot if capable speakers exist.

How about that guy who who refuses to drive faster than 25 MPH in the acceleration lane before merging into the main highway. Idiot. He'll get the loudest, most obnoxious horn.

Naw, wait a minute. These are bad ideas. There'd be so much noise pollution in this town, nobody could hear the commercial jets fly over anymore. Never mind.

Monday, November 12, 2007

IBHW Driving School: Lesson One

Thought I'd advertise to the world how to better your driving skills. And who better to provide you these highly useful tips?

  1. No stopping at round-abouts, especially when the other car in the round-about has more than 25 feet to travel before you're forced to yield. Yield doesn't mean stop, you dolt. It means yield. Now write a check to me for $2.00, please, for my time you just wasted.
  2. When changing lanes, you're not signaling to ask permission to change lanes, dumb-ass, you're signaling to let me know what your intentions are. You find a hole, signal, then take the hole. Just do it so I can drive past and avoid looking at your ass end any longer.
  3. Oh, yeah. Signal when you change lanes. Were you raised in a barn or what? That's what turn signals are for. It's considerate. I might show you the same consideration when I have to pull in front of your ass, cut you off, just to make a right turn. Ass hole.
  4. Turn off your fucking fog lights unless there's... um.... Fog, you ass hole. Your two bright ones are enough. I don't need the other two burning a hole in the back of my skull, and I sure shouldn't have to wear sunglasses when it's dark out. Good fuckin' grief.
  5. When pulling up to a restaurant at night, and the restaurant has windows, turn off your fuckin' headlights AND your fog lights, you complete shit-kicking, redneck, crackhead, tobacco-chewing dog-shit sniffing, rat bag fuck twat. I'm trying to eat a nice meal, and I don't want to have to squint or wear sun glasses simply because you want me to know that the brighter your fuckin' lights are, the bigger your cock must be. Give me a fuckin' break already.
  6. If you drive a minivan, please remove the little sticker on your steering wheel, the one that says, "It is not safe to drive faster than 5 MPH slower than the speed limit!"
  7. Roll up your fucking windows when you're blasting your music. You may be enjoying your music, but I sure as hell don't have to like it, and neither do all the other people in your immediate vicinity. I'm going to start saving the dog shit that I find on the streets and trails I walk on every day. I'll have a special use for it all, too. I'm going to toss a huge glop of it into your pickup's passenger side window, you fuck.
  8. Last one. This is important. Make sure to do this today: Shove that cell phone up your ass so far that you can taste it in the back of your moron throat you jerk-off. Your talking on that thing is interfering with your driving performance, and it's affecting me and even threatening my life and my GF's life.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

My Girlfriend's Panties

Just an item of note. My masculinity is not particularly threatened when I find myself folding laundry. No, I don't always do it, but I try to when she lets it sit for more than a few minutes. That's my first clue that she doesn't want to do it, that I should do it because she's the one who's always doing the washing.

My GF and I have an agreement. She cooks, I do dishes, she puts away dishes (I insisted on this because I bump my head too often with cabinet doors being left open for successive trips from the dishwasher). She washes, and I fold (some of the time). I know, I'm lazy and spoiled, and she takes better care of me than Leona Helmsly took care of her dog.

She vacuums, but I'm supposed to be the one to do that. Before parties, I do, though. I always take care of the garbage. So, all-in-all, life is fair at the house of the Idiot Behind the Wheel.

No particular gripes. Today I was folding the whites. Not a difficult task. I separate into clumps. I do my shit first, my socks, my t-shirts. Today, there were a couple pillow cases, and one pair of her socks.

And twelve pairs of her panties, each of which you could stuff into an aspirin bottle. And nearly every one has a pantie bow. Yeah, right in the front, right below where the belly-button goes and right above her.... well, I wonder why that is. Is it a decorative thing? But, I digress.

You can't fold my GF's panties. You could wad them up like a sheet of newspaper for lighting a grill, but she always gets pissed off at me for doing that. Not enough personal attention being given to her garments. Oh, good grief.

So I roll them up like little cloth maps. Her pantie drawer looks like it's full of pink and baby-blue cigars with bows. Cigar pantie bows. Cigar bows.

I ought to smoke one one of these days.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Preposterous Buzzing

Do this: Go grab yourself a double-espresso, gulp it down, then wait for about 20 minutes or so, then check out Preposterous Ponderings! Check out that background. With coffee, it's been giving me a buzz for awhile now. Weeeee.......! I wonder something like that causes long-term brain damage? :-) I'll update this post in about 20 years and let you know.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Sweet Vibrations

I've always wanted a gong. A big one, one that will make your entire body vibrate when rung. I'm not sure why, but I think they trigger a response in me that is primal. You may see them from time to time. They're sometimes at small boutique stores or even music stores. I saw one once at the Museum Store in a mall that really struck me. It wasn't huge, but, on its stand, it was nearly five feet tall. They're heavy, ornate, and expensive. The one I saw was about $1,500, and it seemed like it was an imported antique or something.

But it sure rang. It vibrated my soul. Before it settled, I knew that I wanted one. I wanted it. Hearing it, feeling it, made me realize something about the percussion instruments that are so immersed in almost every culture on earth. Its vibrations connected me with something, somehow, somewhere -- perhaps way back when. Something in me now knows. I have discovered why they exist. But I can't explain it.

From the small, hidden tribes of South American natives to Ancient Mongolia to the native indians who live within the Arctic Circle, drums have been as much a part of culture as a set of beads or a magic potion or an American hot dog or a rite of passage. Or a death march. They are the beat of life.

Why would I want one, where would I put it, and what would I use it for? All good questions. I'll answer them now. I'd make a high quality digital recording of mine and connect it to a 1,000-watt amplifier and a huge set of speakers mounted on the hood of my 1970 Datsun. That way, twice per day (on my way to, and then back home from, work), instead of the gay-sounding, puny-assed little horn I have, I can hear my sweet, gigantic gong do it's thing at the four-way-stop intersection where people like to sit and either pick their noses or talk on their cell phones instead of taking their turn to move on and get the fuck out of my way. Punch play, and listen to a screaming, vibrating, primal gong, and watch that "I'm-so-friendly-I'll-Let-You-Take-Your-Turn-First" jerk in front of me flinch like a jackhammer. Maybe he'll accidently flick his little Nokia out his window and step on the gas. Asshole.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

How to keep a 2-year old occupied

Wanna know a great way to keep one of them crumb-snatching 2-year old kids busy and out of your hair for awhile? Rub some honey on his fingers then give him a small pillow feather. He won't be able to do anything else but try to get rid of it!

First Installment: Reasons for Staying Out of Prison

Just a few reasons for joining humanity, playing by the rules, (and staying out of prison). Admittedly, these are a tad sophomoric and maybe materialistic, and they're mostly food and drink,k and one could likely receive some version of these in an actual prison, but this is only my first:
  • Single malt scotch
  • martinis
  • XO Cognac
  • gruyère
  • French wine
  • freshly ground coffee
  • hot tubs (100F in winter; 103F summer)
  • martinis
  • Guiness drought
  • grilled salmon with raspberry salsa and steamed French long beans
  • Gibson guitars
  • onions
  • green onions
  • blue cheese
  • fillet mignon
  • gin
  • tequila
  • limes
  • martinis
  • chocolate
  • The Cure